In scrolling through Instagram Stories the other night (confession: I have yet to film one or share pictures on there) one of a former blogger that I’ve met and still very much admire talked about positivity and authenticity. She made a point that got me thinking: of course there is a time and a place to be a positive because there is always something in life to enjoy and be thankful for but maybe we don’t acknowledge the hard shit sometimes or as much as we could/should.

I tend to be on the more positive side of things than not, I wouldn’t say I’m a cynical person but sometimes finding the bright side and being positive is hard and exhausting. Sometimes I want to just scream or cry and say “YES! THIS SUCKS AND IT IS HARD!” Sometimes I want to complain about a problem without automatically thinking to myself #firstworldproblem… and yes, sometimes I think to myself in hashtags. (Millennial, much? Although I’m actually not a true millennial. There are different versions and I’m one of the older ones. That’s a post for another day.)

So, here I go being authentic and telling you things that won’t show up in my Instagram feed or on my Facebook.

I love sweets. Specifically chocolate in the form of dark chocolate chips straight out of the bag, double stuffed Oreos, cookie cake with too much icing and hot fudge. Yes, I work out. Yes, I take supplements to make my body stronger but no, I do not cut out sugar as much as I should. I know it’s bad and I know it can cause cancer and a whole host of other problems but I love it and I eat it. This is not a problem but more a confession so that I don’t appear to be fake.

There are parts of my house that haven’t been cleaned by me since we moved in five years ago. I assume our cleaning lady does the baseboards that she can visibly see/reach from time to time but I have never done it.

We still have a few boxes in our basement, I think related to my stepdaughters that remain unpacked and sitting on a shelf.

When I went to the play with my dad this past weekend I wore my purple-grey wig. It doesn’t look overly real unlike the other wigs I have. I love it and don’t care that clearly it’s not my real hair color. I got a lot of stares. I heard one comment about how it was an interesting hair choice. I held my head high and enjoyed the play, the time with my dad but when I got home, after taking off the wig and seeing my bald head once again, I burst into tears. Horrible, ugly cry, body wrenching sobs. Cancer fucking sucks and is hard and people don’t help when they judge someone by their cover (or hair color) and you’re overwhelmed from managing side effects albeit small ones.

As much as I love to plan, I’m horrible about writing things IN MY PLANNER. I store everything in my brain which I’m sure is a waste of space and function. I’m Type A without always being Type A.

Ever since my mom passed away, I can rarely fall asleep without some sort of noise at night… not white noise, but Netflix, podcasts, music. I was able to break the habit for a short time but it came back. I know it’s not healthy for my mind, brain, body, etc., but if I don’t have noise, I wind up lying and staring at the ceiling while my thought swirl around and around.

I hate folding laundry and putting it away. Or rather, I don’t mind folding it but I don’t often put it all the way away. It drives my hubs crazy.

I am often waiting for the other shoe to drop. Once you’ve endured a shitty custody battle with mud-slung at you, a mom who had a really rare form of cancer and passed away within 70-ish days of finding out about it, a dad who had a heart attack in front of you, a recent and surprising cancer diagnosis all within the last five years, it’s really hard for me to just go with the flow and that all things are good/will be ok. I worry. More than I should. Waste of time? Yup. Totally. I’m aware. I’m working on it.

I eat cheese from the bag standing up and in front of the fridge. It’s a weird quirk. You’ll never see that on social media.

 

7 thoughts on “

  1. Oh, girl. Thanks for sharing all this. It’s hard sometimes to say the stuff that seems like failure, or to admit to our many less-than-perfect life moments, but we all have SO MANY OF THEM, & recognizing that in others help makes them more bearable in ourselves, I think.

    For what it’s worth, I thought that purple wigged looked awesome, & people are assholes, & I’m so sorry it was a difficult night for you. Losing your hair cannot be easy, & I can’t begin to pretend like I know those feelings, but I have so much respect & admiration for the grace with which you are dealing with all of this, & I am sending you SO much love. For every person who gives your purple hair a weird look, please imagine me giving that person the finger & you a high-five.

    xoxo

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  2. I also eat chocolate chips right from the bag. In fact, I’d say only half of the giant bag (if that!) is ever used for baking and the rest is consumed in random handfuls here and there. I am also terrible about cleaning my baseboards, other than the ones by Chloe’s 2 beds because those ones are always covered in dog hair so look visibly dirty so I do clean them quite often. But other than that, no baseboard cleaning happens over here!

    This was a fun post! I might have to do something similar on my blog.

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  3. Oh man, I love having a bag of chocolate chips to eat from as I’m making dinner. Haha. One of my guilty pleasures!

    I’m sorry you had to hear that comment when you were wearing your wig. You are amazing and beautiful and brave. I’m always inspired by you, whether you’re fighting cancer with all your might or crying into the mirror.

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  4. Raises hand to the eating of chocolate chips out of the bag. I just made banana bread this morning and of course put chocolate chips in it and I definitely had some handfuls while making it. 😉

    I can completely understand why you are waiting for the next shoe to drop. You’ve endured far more than the average person should have to endure in a lifetime, let alone such a brief period of time. I hope and pray that once you get through these treatments and achieve remission (I’m not even considering it ‘optional’ for you to go into remission – it’s just something that I am saying is going to happen!), I hope you get a lifetime break of bad shitty things happening.

    Let’s see, things that don’t show up on my social media feed or blog. I don’t clean our house as often as I should. Phil refuses to hire a cleaner until we have a child (which is now only 6 months away – hooray!) and while I love having a clean home, I don’t love cleaning. So we only clean every 2-3 weeks. If I had a cleaner, it would be every other week. I am sure this disgusts people, but we tidy up through every week and I wipe down bathroom counters as needed. But right now that’s as much as I can fit into my life. Yes I have weekend days that I spend reading or crocheting while watching a show and I could be cleaning during those times, but we are human beings and we need time to BE. I’m trying to drop the guilt and not judge myself for not having as clean of a house as I’d like but i still feel guilty, especially when other people come over to our house. I never pay attention to other people’s homes but I feel like they might judge mine!

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  5. I love this post and I might just have to borrow the idea! You’ve been through a tremendous amount in 5 years and the truth of the matter is, this country is bad for expecting everyone to present the best face. Particularly with grieving because it makes them uncomfortable. The reality is it changes and fades but you never just get over it. Traumatic, painful situations change us irrevocably. I have a close friend who very nearly died due to Preeclampsia and her baby was delivered at 27 weeks and spent several weeks in the NICU, this changed her. While we all choose how to present on social media and we determine how much we are comfortable with you don’t ever have to apologize for the correlating emotional responses due to what has happened! On a lighter note: I’ve taken over the only extra bedroom in the house when I do laundry because I hang more clothes than I put in the dryer and I took over most of the closet so my husband loves to tease me about this. I don’t do baseboards and I am not big on dusting, unfortunately, my husband is worse about dusting than me so a lot of times there are cobwebs until I see them and knock them down. Sending you hugs!!!

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  6. Love you for being so honest and vulnerable. Thanks for sharing these “truths”.

    I can only imagine what it must be like to lose your hair because of cancer or going through these treatments or missing your mom… so you have all the right in the world to be angry and to cry sometimes and for a second to not be f***ing positive, even though I truly believe that having a positive attitude towards things always helps.
    I’ll go eat some chocolate chips out of the bag for you now.

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